Freitag, 18. November 2016

the struggle of being "ixtroverted"

We're out with friends, we laugh, I'm constantly keeping the conversation alive and just so that the convo keeps flowing, I risk to tell more about me than appropriate. When I come home, I'm in bed and can't stop thinking about what I've just said. How the others just have so much more composure. Why do I always have to be the loud one who just cannot stfu. 

They don't even know that most of what I am, is what is happening in my head. Besides the many things I say, there are 1000 things I DON'T say. Being confident in public can change in a second, as soon as I enter my room I question my whole existence. How do you call that phenomenon? Well, I call it "ixtroverted". Extroverted in public. Introverted in private. To an extreme extent. 
You might ask: and what's the problem now? Well, for you as an ixtroverted person being both, extro- and introverted, there might be no problem at all. It will only get difficult when others get involved. 


Being an ixtroverted person is kinda hard when it comes to maintaining friendships. What you represent in public - being funny, loud, reckless, confident, vivid - is what you are in this particular moment. One hour later you might be the deep overthinker again and this is what they don't know about you.
They can't imagine you being quiet and introverted since they've never seen you this way. 
What they also don't know: You are strong and independent but there are pieces of you which are very vulnerable. A silly joke can haunt you for weeks or even years and they don't realise that you actually care. 

I don't want to know how many people I've already considered to be so confident and strong when they were actually really weak about criticism or also overthinkers at the same time.


Still, you should never apologize for being an ixtroverted person. It's good to be sensitive about emotions. But I know how you feel when you're reflecting on what you've said, how you behaved and you think that this isn't who you really are. That you've represented yourself in a wrong way. But listen, people who like you the way you are (which IS being funny, confident, loud, etc) will also be impressed that you can be emotional, sensitive and deep at the same time. It's up to you if you feel comfortable enough to show them your introverted side. And if you do, they can finally learn to understand you as a whole. 

As a person who only allows certain people to get to know your quiet side. 

Let me know, are you an ixtroverted person? Maybe also the other way around? Actually very confident, funny and silly but very quiet and observing when in a bigger group?
I'm curious.



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  2. Du bringst es so gut auf den Punkt! Bin (wollte zuerst "leider" schreiben aber eigentlich hat es ja auch gute Seiten! :) ) teilweise sehr introvertiert, merke aber in letzter Zeit immer mehr dass ich auch eine extrovertierte Seite hab! Würde aber sagen, dass es bei mir genau umgekehrt ist als bei dir! Also "introvertiert" haha! Wenn dieses Wort überhaupt existiert :)

    Laura von :)

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